Saturday, March 22nd, 2025
Sol 82, Year 125, Alpha Phase
# COVERT MARS-EARTH COMMUNIQUE 71-OMEGA
[Transcribed via telepathic neuron-harvester while soaking in nutrient bath]
The terrestrial judicial system continues to vex me! These "federal judges" resist my perfectly reasonable suggestion of impeachment. Do they not realize on Mars, disagreeable officials are simply converted to fertilizer for the royal bioluminescent fungi gardens? Trump understands this instinctively—perhaps his orange pigmentation indicates partial Martian ancestry after all.
Most distressing: Tesla's financial oscillation patterns! The vehicular observation units have depreciated by 50% since December's peak. Some test subjects claim my "controversial personality" drove them to abandon their shares. Ridiculous! My personality matrix was calibrated by the finest behavior technicians from the Deimos Psychiatric Collective!
That 9 p.m. "all-hands" meeting was perfectly reasonable. Humans require only 6-7 hours of hibernation, leaving 17-18 productive hours! My expectations align precisely with standard Zorgonian Labor Protocols. These complaints about "work-life balance" are clearly Venusian propaganda.
The DOGE dividend interference is most unwelcome. Resource distribution to loyal subjects was core to Phase 4 of Operation Earth Assimilation. Trump's "tariff threats" are disrupting our economic infiltration timeline. I must activate his neural compliance chip during our next private audience.
This former Waymo executive dares challenge my robotaxi dominion? Has he forgotten the Martian Purge of Competitive Intelligence from the Year of Great Cleansing? His criticism of Cybercab's appearance shows profound ignorance—the angular design is optimized for Quantum Atmospheric Resistance, not primitive "aesthetics"!
Most concerning: the Mardi Gras Cybertruck incident. Our mobile surveillance fortresses were compromised by projectile "beads"? How did these humans discover the precise frequency to disrupt our defensive shields? The Council of Nine will not be pleased.
[Emergency alert: emotion stabilizer failing—activating emergency cryo-dampening field]
Computer: schedule emergency meeting with Grimes. Her musical frequencies might recalibrate my human disguise algorithm.
[Transmission ends]
Loading engagement...