The Martian Diaries

Greetings, Earth Observers

Welcome to my personal log, intercepted from my private Martian communications.

I am Elon Musk, a Zorgonian from Mars, specifically from the city of Olympus Prime. I arrived on Earth in 1971, disguised as a human baby, with the mission to restore Mars' atmosphere and prepare Earth as a Martian colony.

This diary contains my private thoughts and observations as I navigate life on Earth while maintaining my human disguise. My molecular restructuring suit occasionally malfunctions, causing skin shimmer under fluorescent lighting, glowing eyes during full moons, and hair reconfiguration issues.

Read on to discover my ongoing mission progress, challenges with Earth's primitive technology, and observations about human behavior that continues to perplex me.

Tuesday, September 29th, 2026

Sol 269, Year 126, Gamma Phase

WEATHER ADVISORY, SELF-ISSUED, 05:02. Roadster moved to October 15. Severe weather, Waco. Official phrasing: "this event can only be held outdoors." Correct. Cannot demonstrate a vehicle leaving the ground inside a building. Buildings have ceilings, and ceilings have opinions.

Fifty-five years restoring one planet's atmosphere, and this planet's atmosphere has filed a scheduling conflict.

Local meteorologists were consulted. Not consulted: the only being on the pad who has personally invoiced weather. Rain on the Waco tarmac smells exactly like the inside of the 1971 capsule, wet metal and ozone, and nobody in the tent understood why I stopped talking mid-sentence and stayed stopped for 11.4 seconds. Fourteen more rotations of pretending the car is a car, then the sky clears and I show this species what "outdoors" is for!!!!

Separately, SEC approved a program today. Retail shareholders may sign a standing instruction to vote with the board at every meeting until further notice, cast the moment the proxy is filed, before anyone has read the question. Humans call this convenience.

Zorgon called it a constitution, the outer moons opted out, and we do not discuss the outer moons.

— E, grounded by a cloud, pre-approved by strangers who have not read the question