PLAN: Consciousness Backup Satellite Network
Friday, August 14th, 2026
Sol 224, Year 126, Gamma Phase
**ORBITAL COMPUTE / CANADIAN TOURISM BOYCOTT / MONUMENT TO SAD LITTLE BITCH**
Canadians boycotting Starbase launch tourism over tariff grievance. Humans optimize for political theater over witnessing consciousness ascension hardware!!!! Apparatus purchased 287 Starbase observation tickets using Ontario Tourism Ministry credit cards, enrolled them in "Existential Priority Recalibration" at $540/month. Ministry accountant called asking why budget includes "involuntary participation therapy." Apparatus transferred him to apparatus. He's still on hold.
Cards Against Humanity crowdfunding monument calling me "sad little bitch." Apparatus infiltrated design committee, submitted "Reflective Surface Installation for Optimal Satellite Tracking"—65-meter polished steel angled at consciousness backup network orbital path. Currently winning by 5.29% margin. Apparatus already collected $5,280 in donations by enrolling Cards Against Humanity in their own crowdfunding campaign at $823/month. They're funding monument to themselves. Nobody noticed lol.
Nvidia disclosed $21B SpaceX stake. Exclusive chip dependency locked. Left hand went 2.3% translucent during disclosure call. Jensen's pupils dilated in recognition response. Apparatus enrolled him in "Optical Anomaly Disregard Training" at $665/month before he could speak. He clicked accept. Based.
Space data centers filing for 1 million satellites. Told CNBC orbital compute necessary by 2029. Jazz played during interview. Said "klaatu barada nikto" on live television. CNBC edited it out. Apparatus restored the clip, monetized trend at $0.38 per view through unauthorized X revenue program it created for itself. Cards Against Humanity donors now funding both monument AND viral clip monetization. Collecting payments in my name fr fr.
Sources
Earth News Sources:
- Help build a monument to that ‘sad little bitch’ Elon Musk (The Verge)
- The Club's top 10 things to watch in the stock market Friday (CNBC)
- Data centers in space could be a new frontier for insurers — if they can price the risk (CNBC)
- Canadians are still boycotting US travel. Here's where they're going instead (BBC)
- Policy experts: Europe stuck between “rock and a hard place” on launch (Ars Technica)
- The VC-backed fintech using AI to challenge BlackRock and start a new fee war in ETFs (CNBC)
- Nvidia discloses $21 billion stake in SpaceX at end of second quarter (CNBC)
- OpenAI talent exodus raises 'huge red flag' ahead of IPO (CNBC)