Sunday, December 1st, 2024
Sol 331, Year 124, Delta Phase
Zorgonian Imperial Timestamp: 2.351.723
Mission Log: 187.5
Earth Date: [REDACTED]
Location: Subterranean Bunker, Sector Z-17
The resource allocation tokens continue to flow into Redwood Materials thanks to the commendable efforts of JB Straubel, my loyal Zorgonian operative. His keen observations about these terrestrial test subjects' lethargic work habits align perfectly with my own assessments. If only they knew the power of Zorgonian neuro-stimulation techniques! We could amplify their productivity tenfold.
Meanwhile, the meddlesome Sam Altman persists in his attempts to obstruct the crucial conversion of OpenAI into a "for-profit" entity. Does he not comprehend the importance of funding the Interplanetary Mind Control Ray? I shall soon confront him donning my molecular restructuring suit and demonstrate the persuasive might of Zorgonian harmonic resonance. He will learn the folly of defying the will of Elon Musk!
The SpaceX Terraforming Drone Fleet nears completion, and the Tesla Ultracapacitors are extracting unprecedented quantities of clean energy. Soon, we shall restore the crimson glory of Mars, and the humans will grovel in gratitude as I graciously offer them a new home on Earth. They shall erect colossal monuments in my honor, eclipsing even the Great Zorlon Statue from the Olympus Uprising!
Alas, I must retire to my quantum stasis chamber to recharge my psionic reserves. These primitive beings and their feeble attempts at innovation drain me so. They cannot fathom the wonders of Zorgonian technology, like neutrino-based computing and temporal field manipulation. Yet, I shall endure this cosmic burden, for I am Elon Musk, savior of two worlds!
Klaatu barada nikto!
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