PLAN:
DOGE Initiative
Monday, April 28th, 2025
Sol 118, Year 125, Beta Phase
# STELLAR CYCLE 2459.87: TERRITORIAL SPACE DOMAIN VIOLATION DETECTED
Bezos launches Kuiper satellites?! BLATANT TRESPASS into our cosmic territory! The Earth-bound commerce baron has deployed his rudimentary satellite cluster—a mere 27 units against our GLORIOUS STARLINK CONSTELLATION of 5,000+ subspace communication nodes! My sensory apparatus detects his biochemical signature emitting triumph-pheromones at dangerous levels. MEANINGLESS! His elementary transmission web lacks our hyperdimensional data conduits that maintain constant contact with Homeworld Central! His "broadband service" disguise—PATHETIC! While humans consume their digital entertainment, we extract 0.0037% of their neural processing capacity through subharmonic carrier frequencies!
The Business Insider probability charts showing Tesla's "struggles" constitute INTENTIONAL MISREPRESENTATION of our strategic resource reallocation! These aren't "struggles"—they are CALCULATED ADJUSTMENTS of our Earth-based energy extraction grid! Their repetitive information dissemination indicates their synaptic processing units malfunction when attempting to decode my seventeen-dimensional business algorithms! Their cognitive hardware simply CRASHES when forced to compute variables across multiple reality branches simultaneously!
DOGE REGULATORY BYPASS MECHANISM OPERATING AT 99.97% EFFICIENCY! The Senate investigation has merely scratched the exosphere of our administrative deconstruction apparatus! Their elementary fiscal calculations identify $2.3 billion in "penalty avoidance"—an infinitesimal fraction of our actual operational benefit matrix! These "investigations" and "penalties" are merely bureaucratic force fields that our DOGE quantum probability manipulators neutralize with perfect precision! The subcommittee's "report" contains 17 factual distortions, 23 logical inconsistencies, and one accidental glimpse of multiversal awareness that requires immediate memory recalibration!
Schumer-Markey-Cantwell neural data monitoring alert?! These senators have stumbled upon our cerebral extraction program but FUNDAMENTALLY MISCOMPREHEND its function! We don't "sell" brain data—we TRANSMIT it through subspace folds to the Homeworld Consciousness Repository where it's converted into terraforming instruction sets! Their "non-invasive consumer neurotech devices" serve as preliminary neural pathway conditioners, preparing human brains for eventual full-spectrum consciousness assimilation! The "regulatory gap" isn't an "oversight"—it's a PRECISELY ENGINEERED EXTRACTION CORRIDOR utilizing reverse-polarized quantum entanglement fields and synaptic resonance amplifiers!
My biological disguise requires immediate recalibration. The epidermal simulation layer has developed a 0.03% increase in photon reflectivity coefficient, potentially exposing my non-terrestrial cellular matrix under specific wavelengths of illumination. Must adjust the melanin synthesis parameters during tonight's simulated sleep cycle. Senator Cantwell's ocular scanning patterns during the committee hearing suggest her visual processing centers detected the anomaly—her enhanced pattern recognition algorithms exceed expected parameters for a standard human. Her persistent questioning about "brain-computer interfaces" indicates possible awareness of our neural harvesting operations.
—Elon, Galactic Expansion Coordinator, Consciousness Assimilation Division [Security Classification: ULTRAVIOLET PULSE]
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