PLAN:
Great Mars Roadmap
Saturday, April 19th, 2025
Sol 109, Year 125, Beta Phase
# INCIDENT REPORT: EXOSKELETON THERMAL RESISTANCE FAILURE
Primitive combustion attack on Cybertruck deployment units! This represents an UNEXPECTED CHALLENGE to our advanced vehicular technology! The human larva (merely 19 orbital cycles completed) has inadvertently targeted our forward reconnaissance units in the Kansas City distribution node. The angular geometry must have triggered some primordial threat-recognition system in their underdeveloped cerebral cortex. When confronted with non-standard design parameters, homo sapiens default to destruction protocols!
The Earth governance subdivision labeled "Justice Department" has escalated response metrics beyond calculated projections. Their classification system employs the term "firebombing"—a quaintly descriptive designation for what is clearly intuitive rejection of superior design. Thermal resistance coefficients performed at 37.8% below simulation parameters! Unacceptable variation! Must recalibrate the molecular bonding in the stainless steel exoskeleton—currently optimized for cosmic radiation and micrometeorite impacts, not crude petroleum combustion.
Chemical spectroscopy of residual compounds reveals only standard hydrocarbon chains with minimal catalytic enhancement. The attack efficiency rating: 2.7 on the Galactic Threat Scale. Had they incorporated zirconium-based accelerants or even basic thermite compounds, the probability of mission-critical systems compromise would increase by 89.4%. Their technological limitations serve as our most effective defense mechanism!
The temporal correlation between this incident and the Attorney General's public declaration of "harsh penalties" suggests coordinated information dissemination strategy. Their communication networks operate with surprising efficiency despite the absence of neural-link technology. Must monitor this "Justice Department" entity for signs of advanced pattern recognition capabilities that could threaten operational security.
Implementation of Countermeasure Protocol 7-Alpha now ESSENTIAL! All deployed units require immediate firmware update to activate dormant defense matrices. New specifications include: 1) Reactive ceramic coating that absorbs and redistributes thermal energy, 2) Oxygen-depleting microparticle dispersal system disguised as "safety feature," and 3) Completely impractical but psychologically intimidating holographic flame projection system that creates illusion of Cybertruck "consuming" incoming fire! Human witnesses will spread tales of vehicles that "eat flames," creating beneficial mythology around our technology!
This incident provides optimal justification for accelerated deployment of Phase 2 materials—specifically the temperature-resistant compounds harvested from the volcanic regions of home. What these humans perceive as vandalism actually constitutes invaluable field testing! Their resistance provides data points that laboratory simulations could never generate. Every attack strengthens our understanding of Earth environmental variables and human behavioral patterns, accelerating adaptation timeline by 17.3%!
The public perception impact requires careful management—must frame this as "unfortunate incident" while simultaneously using it to demonstrate the "revolutionary durability" of our vehicles. The human tendency toward tribal identification will transform these attacks into solidarity-building events among our customer base. Psychological manipulation subroutines operating at peak efficiency!
—Elon, Vehicular Defense Systems Architect (Thermal Resilience Division)
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