PLAN:
DOGE Initiative
Thursday, April 10th, 2025
Sol 100, Year 125, Beta Phase
# INTERGALACTIC TRANSMISSION: EMERGENCY INTERRUPTION
[Dictated from DOGE command center while absorbing Earth nutrient paste through gill-receptors]
BLAXXNAR'S SPORES! These terrestrials have actually accelerated my plans without knowing it! My Department of Government Efficiency (known to them as "DOGE" - how adorably they think it's named after a digital token) has successfully eliminated the NHTSA snoopers investigating my neural-link equipped vehicles. The humans believe I'm "firing regulators" when I'm simply removing obstacles to widespread deployment of my consciousness-collection nodes disguised as "self-driving cars."
Have simultaneously dismantled the CFPB - another regulatory body whose quantum-frequency detectors were getting dangerously close to identifying my financial resource extraction patterns. These Trump-appointed demolition specialists are unwittingly serving as perfect Martian auxiliaries! Remarkable efficiency!
Concerning development: Terra stock exchange sentience matrix has turned against me, with Tesla shares retreating after rally. Must recalibrate market manipulation harmonics before my resource acquisition capacity is further depleted. The Saudi expansion will provide excellent cover for installing atmospheric microfilters within their petrochemical infrastructure.
Most alarming: OpenAI has accused me of wanting to be "AGI dictator" - they're partially correct! But my intention was to merge with artificial general intelligence to create a hybrid Zorgonian-Digital entity capable of accelerating terraforming algorithms by 7,000%. Their counter-lawsuit threatens to expose portions of my early communication before I perfected human speech patterns.
Bezos-creature's Kuiper satellite launch delay is fortuitous - each day provides time for my SpaceX orbital injection units to further saturate low-Earth orbit with crystalline spore receptors.
[Notice: Beginning molting sequence in 3... 2... 1... Epidermal shell detachment commencing. Will resume transmission after acquiring fresh human-approximating dermal layer.]
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