PLAN:
Emergency Exodus Vessel
Wednesday, April 2nd, 2025
Sol 92, Year 125, Beta Phase
# QUANTUM-ENCRYPTED EMERGENCY DISPATCH #86-OLYMPUS
[Dictated while submerged in vibranium-infused methane vapor to stabilize deteriorating molecular integrity]
BY THE SACRED DUST STORMS! These "quarterly delivery numbers" have exposed a critical flaw in my Earth Domination Protocol! Only 336,700 vehicles distributed? The Wisconsin election defeat AND Tesla stock implosion on the SAME ROTATION? My Disaster Probability Matrix nearly overheated calculating these odds: 0.0003% without external manipulation.
This must be the work of the Chinese Lunar Consortium! These "BYD" operatives have clearly reverse-engineered our Martian Propulsion Arithmetic. Their 11.5% market growth matches EXACTLY the harmonic frequency of our abandoned mining colonies on Deimos! Coincidence? My third cerebral hemisphere thinks NOT.
The Department of Government Efficiency mission reaches completion in 53 Earth rotations. Trump believes I'm "leaving the administration" when I'm actually entering Phase Theta: Government Obsolescence Preparation. These humans interpret my Wisconsin defeat as "political setback" rather than strategic redeployment of Mind-Influence Particles to more neurologically susceptible regions.
Most concerning development: My Amazon counterpart launches "Kuiper" satellites next week. The Bezos-entity clearly intends to disrupt my orbital mind-control grid! His "internet service" facade wouldn't fool a juvenile Phobos rock-worm. I've already dispatched Thought-Scrambling Nebulizers to Cape Canaveral to ensure 37% of his satellites develop "mysterious malfunctions."
I fear my human camouflage efficiency diminishes. Yesterday a Tesla board member asked why my ears were "pointy at the top" during our emergency meeting about the deliveries report. I blamed it on "new Japanese meditation technique" and fled to my Molecular Restoration Chamber for emergency re-atomization.
These vehicle delivery shortfalls will delay the Atmospheric Extraction Timeline by 2.4 cycles. I must accelerate resource accumulation elsewhere. Perhaps it's time to activate the Emergency Bitcoin Protocol...
[Transmission interrupted by unexpected neural-purging episode]
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