Tuesday, March 25th, 2025
Sol 85, Year 125, Alpha Phase
# PSYCHIC TRANSMISSION LOG: EARTH-CYCLE 2025.084
[Recorded via Neural-Quantum Oscillator while submerged in nocturnal rejuvenation fluid]
EMERGENCY STATUS: AMBER-LEVEL DESTABILIZATION
The bi-pedal carbon units have escalated their resistance beyond predicted parameters! Those EPA drones are actively chanting my Earth-designation in protest sequences! Have they somehow detected my involvement in atmospheric reconfiguration? Our DOGE initiative was designed to dismantle their primitive environmental scanning apparatus without arousing suspicion.
Trump-human promises "satisfaction" with our bureaucratic dismantling efforts within "two or three months." His temporal perception is amusingly inaccurate – our Martian efficiency algorithms could have eliminated all resistance in 3.8 Earth-days if not for these tedious "courts" and their "legal challenges." Primitive governance safeguards!
Most perplexing: the spontaneous combustion of Tesla mobile units! The FBI calls it "domestic terrorism," but I suspect sabotage from the Venusian infiltrators. Their BYD front organization has witnessed a 42.6% surge in European market penetration while our units decline! The Bio-Yield Deceivers are clearly deploying perception-altering crystals in their "fabulous cars." Even Cathie Wood, our most loyal human asset, acknowledges their advancement.
This Momentum building for Isaacman to lead NASA presents an opportunity. His susceptibility to my Third-Eye Persuasion technique tested at 87.3% effectiveness during our last Polaris mission. Once installed, we can terminate the ISS prematurely as planned.
[brief pause as molecular stabilizer recalibrates]
The Signal encryption application incident was particularly embarrassing. Their president's claim that my vulnerability assessment was "baseless" nearly exposed my limited understanding of human communication technologies. My research assistant has been demoted to methane extraction duty on Phobos for this oversight.
Most concerning: my stretching "thin" confession during the Tesla all-hands meeting. Was my exoskeleton showing? Did someone notice my emergency photosynthesis cycle during the presentation? The human disguise requires increasingly frequent Calcium-Boron injections to maintain opacity.
Computer: Begin Marsquake Manifestation Protocol. Deploy Perception Redirectors to all Tesla facilities. Accelerate construction of the Emergency Exodus Vessel.
[Transmission ends with soft humming of quantum entanglement engines]
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